What if every day from now to the day I die is this much of a struggle?
What if I’m never normal, never not twitchy and strange, never what beauty wants?
What if I never get married?
What if I never publish a book?
What if I never have a career?
What if I never have a life?
What if it never gets better?
These are the questions that I must answer if I am to live on this earth. Can I serve a God who leaves me broken? Who doesn’t just not give me prosperity, but seems to take it away?
If my faith rests on prosperity then it does not rest on God. A faith that is not at peace with suffering cannot be at peace with the God of the Cross.
But I do not want to suffer.
Yet if I want Jesus, I must have what Jesus has, and in this world he has suffering. He has pain and anguish, and hatred and death, in addition to more boring things like disdain, loneliness and responsibility.
This world is not enough, never enough. To have it is to have what it has.
I will take what Jesus has, then. Enough, but not yet as it should be. My faith is simple, pathetic and seemingly criminal, but somehow acceptable. I do not like what I see before me, but I say,
“Where else will I go, Lord? You have the words of life.”
And in that vein I will listen, and wait as He teaches that all that He is and all that He has for me is so much more than I see right now.